


And For Once, You Let Go

by stillmumu



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/F, Food as a Metaphor for Love, Song: You Are In Love (Taylor Swift), Songfic, background crygi, jankie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:27:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28203837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillmumu/pseuds/stillmumu
Summary: Jan wants to give Jackie the fairy tale confession she deserves.
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd, Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	And For Once, You Let Go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [artificialpippin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialpippin/gifts).



> For Atresia's Song Fic Exchange

_Morning, her place_

_Burnt toast, Sunday_

The first time Jan feels it, it leaves her breathless. It comes quietly, and once it dawns on her, something changes in the air. She can’t get rid of it. Perhaps she’s known for a while, or perhaps this is a cumulation of brief moments. Jan doesn’t know. She doesn’t know much, except for the fact that the feeling lodges itself in her throat, pulsing when she looks at Jackie.

She’s in love.

Jackie’s in the shower, and Jan’s sprawled out on the bed. As far as routine goes, everything is perfectly normal.

On Sundays, Jan closes the bakery for the day. She moves languidly, takes her time waking up. Some days they sleep in so late they skip lunch altogether, and they take turns making dinner. Jackie has introduced Jan to so many Persian dishes from her childhood since she’s moved in, and learning how to make new dishes is something Jan looks forward to. She’s always in awe of how Jackie is so at home in the kitchen, how she somehow knows exactly how much nutmeg to sprinkle on lamb or how much vinegar to pickle the garlic cloves in without measuring anything out.

Today it’s Jackie’s turn again. She’s laid out all her ingredients already, an array of spices set out on the kitchen counter that promise a delicious meal. 

For now, though, the sound of running water is steady, and Jan takes comfort in the sound. 

In the beginning, when Jackie had first suggested they move in together, Jan had been scared out of her mind. Dating was good. Dating was fine, comfortable even. She got to spend just enough time with Jackie to ensure her ball-of-sunshine energy didn’t slip or dim. That’s what everybody loved her for, anyway: her optimistic, bright personality. Even Jackie had told her that was what drew her to Jan. 

But moving in together? She’d be around Jackie 24/7 then. Jan knew it wouldn’t be possible to keep that energy up all the time. Besides, even the people closest to Jan, like her mom or her friends, had at one point or another asked if she could _tone it down just for a second, Jan, please_.

Jan knew she had a tendency to be too much. She was too loud in the morning, too clingy with those she loved, too childish when she was sick. Moving in with Jackie was a real commitment, a part of herself she wasn’t sure if she was ready to share. Jackie had always been patient with her, giving her the time and space to feel comfortable. But moving in was also something she was dead set on, and well, once Jackie got an idea into her head, it was impossible to talk her out of it.

Jan still wasn’t budging, so she’d done it sneakily. It started with staying over at Jan’s for sleepovers. They’d watch movies and Jackie would mix up some face masks, slathering it on their cheeks with the back of the spoon or their fingers. Jan would bake cookies, and they’d stay up all night talking like they were little kids. 

At some point a night over became two, then three, until Jackie’s stuff had a designated spot in Jan’s closet. Her coffee mugs had found a home in Jan’s cupboards. It became routine for Jackie to drop by, even when Jan wasn’t home. Eventually, Jan had to put aside her fears and admit that Jackie should just move in.

And at the end of it all, when the last of Jan’s stuff had been packed into cardboard boxes and carried into Jackie’s apartment, Jan didn’t feel scared anymore. How could she be, when Jackie was so good to her? She was always so gentle and made Jan feel so safe in her company.

“ _Moosh moosh-am_?” Jackie calls. 

Jan hides a smile at the pet name. She’d tried to ask Jackie what it meant once, but Jackie had gotten all flustered, so she dropped it. A quick google search had translated it for her, anyways, so now she’s content with pretending not to understand to ensure Jackie keeps using it.

“Are you still there?” Jackie leans out of the bathroom, still tugging the hem of her shirt over her chest. Her hair’s wrapped in a towel, but a few brown strands have already slipped out and drip water onto her shoulders.

“Hmm?” Jan hums. She flops over on the bed, hangs her head over the edge. “You look pretty upside-down-sie.”

“You’re such a softy,” Jackie says with a slight roll of her eyes. She leans against the doorframe, fixing a warm gaze on her girlfriend. “Can you take the dough out of the fridge, please? It has to sit for thirty.”

“Putting me to work already, huh?” Jan asks, popping her gum. 

Jackie doesn’t respond, just raises an eyebrow.

“Fine,” Jan groans dramatically and heaves herself into a sitting position on the bed with a groan. “But you know I’m only doing it ‘cause I lo-”

The words get stuck in her throat. Jan inhales too abruptly, chokes on her spit. She coughs, rolling off the bed to land on her feet again. 

“Shit, you good?” Jackie scrambles over to pound her on the back. “Don’t go upside down while chewing gum like that, you’ll choke.”

“No, yeah. I’m fine, I’m fine.” Jan recovers, still flustered. “Must have- y’know. Inhaled dust or something. I’ll go get that dough.”

She stands and shuffles over to the kitchen, stiffly going through the motions. The inside of her mouth tastes sticky despite the minty gum, and her hands are shaking slightly as she pulls out the saran wrapped dough. What the hell was that? Jan’s heart pounds in her ears. She stares at the mound of dough with wide eyes, panic coursing through her.

“Thank you.” Jackie drags out the words, coming up behind her. She wraps her arms around Jan’s waist, nestles her chin into her shoulder. 

Jan jumps at the sound of Jackie’s voice in her ear, taking a sharp inhale out of surprise.

“So jumpy today.” Jackie murmurs. She untangles herself from around Jan, putting her hands on her hips. “Alright, let’s get started then.”

Good. Okay. Jan blinks, tries to steady herself. It’s just the late-June heat getting to her, that’s all. 

She pours herself some water and drinks it, trying to wash down the strange feeling rattling around in her ribcage.

**

_One step, not much, but it said enough_

Jan calls Gigi up the next day, first thing in the morning with the taste of her almost-confession still on her tongue.

Gigi agrees to breakfast straight away, no questions asked. It’s like the other girl can hear the urgency in Jan’s voice, the little tremor when she says it’s about her and Jackie. Whatever the reason, Jan’s grateful for how quickly she says yes.

Surprisingly, Gigi doesn’t bombard Jan with questions the second she slides into their booth at the restaurant. It’s a cute little place-- a diner they frequent often-- and ordering takes virtually no time at all as they both rattle out their usuals. She’s grateful for the grace period.

Jan’s halfway through her pancakes when Gigi finally cuts off her casual rambling. 

“So did you and Jackie, like, end things? Cause, no offence, but I’ll literally kill you. You guys are perfect for each other.” She tears a croissant into half and poses the question around a mouthful.

“What?” Jan sputters out a shocked laugh. Her voice is a little too loud and she winces, tries again. “Absolutely not, where’d you get that from?”

“Babes, you called me all panicked and told me you had to talk to me,” Gigi says slowly. “About you and her.”

“Oh,” Jan says. She pushes a bite of blueberry pancake into the puddle of maple syrup that’s collected on her plate. “Oh, yeah. That does sound bad, doesn’t it.”

“Duh,” Gigi laughs. She pauses, taking a sip of her iced tea. “So if nothing’s going _bad_ , then what’s the problem?”

And there it is. Jan clicks her tongue and drums her nails on the table, stalling as she tries to think of how to phrase her next sentence.

“I almost said I loved her yesterday.”

Gigi beams at that news- “Wait, are you kidding? That’s great!” -before collecting herself. She leans in, less excited after realizing the worry Jan said it with.

“Wait, I don’t get it. You _do_ love her right?”

“Have you and Crystal said it yet?” Jan deflects, asking another question instead of answering.

“I mean, yeah. Like two weeks ago now, I think.” Gigi shrugs.

“How did you know when to say it?”

“I don’t know. It just felt right?” Gigi pops a chunk of pastry into her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. 

Jackie nods like she understands, tapping her fork against her bottom lip. She casts around for an excuse for why it isn’t as easy for her as it seems to have been for Gigi and Crystal. There must be one. She’s not crazy, right?

“I feel like what we have now is really great. I don’t want to scare her off by saying anything stupid.”

“Jan, Jackie is totally head-over-heels in love with you. There’s no way that’ll do anything but bring you two closer.” Gigi rebuts, unconvinced.

Jan just hums, not trusting herself to speak. Her voice has frozen in her throat, and that’s not a factor she wants to deal with while she’s talking to Gigi, who picks up on everything.

“I think I know what your problem is,” Gigi says bluntly. She drains the last of her iced tea, before setting it down on the table and declaring with finality, “You’re worried about making it perfect like you always do.”

Jan cuts at her food to give her hands something to do.

“You watch too many romcoms. You’re putting this crazy pressure on yourself to, like, measure up to Hollywood scripts. But that’s not real life, y’know?”

Jan bites at the inside of her cheek, the taste of metal blooming in her mouth.

“It doesn’t have to be perfect, that’s the point of it,” Gigi continues. She stops, notices that Jan’s attention isn’t totally on her.

“Jannifer-” She takes the knife and fork from Jan’s hands. “-Quit murdering that pancake and listen, okay?”

“Yeah. Okay. Sorry, doll.” Jackie clears her throat and wipes her fingers clean on a napkin, still not meeting Gigi’s gaze.

“Do you love Jackie?”

The way she says it, it’s not really a question but more of a statement for Jan to agree to. Even phrased like that to make it easy for her, Jan still isn’t sure she’s ready to speak it into reality. Her eyes dart, feeling like everyone in the restaurant is listening in on their discussion.

“Jan?” Gigi prompts.

“I’m- I, um, need to use the bathroom. Excuse me.” Jan stands up, nearly knocking her drink into her lap at the sheer force of it. Her chair scrapes against the floor, too loud for her liking, and she practically sprints into the restroom.

She presses her palms flat on the marble countertop. The cold surface against her skin is enough to scramble her already overstimulated mind, and Jan forces a breath in through her nose, tears prickling behind her eyelids. 

Why can’t she do it? Jackie deserves the world, as far as she’s concerned, and yet Jan can’t even put her feelings into words for her. Jackie’s going to get tired of waiting for her to grow the hell up and say what’s on her mind. And when she does, Jan will have fucked up yet another thing she loves, because that’s what she does best.

Once the idea of Jackie leaving her takes root she can’t stop thinking about it, can’t stop imagining scenarios. When it happens, Jackie might scream, or yell, or cry. She might go silent, start icing Jan out until there’s nothing left to keep them together. Either way, she’ll end up all alone again, and her apartment will feel twice as big because she’s gotten used to the warmth of Jackie’s presence.

There’s a spark of anger too, as irrational as it is, that tears through her at the realization that Jackie’s the reason she caved in. If it were up to her, she’d have kept Jackie at arms length, perfectly safe, where she can’t be harmed by Jan’s inability to be a proper adult in a proper adult relationship.

At some point she ends up on the floor, back pressed against the counter, and now she stays like that, curling her torso closer into her knees. Jan hears the door open, and a panicked sounding _ohmygod_ from Gigi. 

“Jan, honey, it’s okay.” Gigi sits down next to her. “Take deep breaths for me.”

Jan heaves a breath in and out through her mouth. “Sorry, I- god, I don’t know why I’m like this.”

“Hey, don’t apologize,” Gigi says. She works her fingers into Jan’s hair, braiding little sections in a calming fashion. 

“Relationships are hard. The first time Crystal kissed me I, like, totally freaked out and ghosted her for a few days. Major dick move, don’t recommend.”

Jan laughs despite herself at that. She rests her head back against the counter and looks up at the ceiling.

“Do you think it’ll get easier?”

It’s quiet for a few moments, the hum of the electric lights keeping them company. Jan’s pretty sure Gigi has forgotten about the question or isn’t going to answer her when she speaks again.

“I think,” Gigi bites her lip, considering her words carefully. “I think you’ll get used to trusting someone that much. I don’t know if it’ll be easy, but it’s a process.”

More silence. Jan tongues her teeth, feeling the smooth enamel, unsure whether or not to speak.

“We just have to trust it?” Jan says. The question hangs in the air, drawing a noise of agreement out of Gigi.

“Do you know what Jackie said to me after we moved in together?” Jan asks, before ploughing on, not waiting for an answer. “She told me, just because you’re independent doesn’t mean you have to do it on your own all the time.”

Gigi still doesn’t speak, just lets Jan talk.

“And I think- no, I know she’s right. But it’s still weird, y’know? She’s so good to me and I want to do that for her.”

There’s a pause. “I don’t know why I can’t.”

“Don’t rush yourself because you think she deserves it, hun. That’s not fair to either one of you.” Gigi says.

Jan just sighs, makes a little hum of acknowledgement.

“Yeah. This was so much easier in the movies.”

Gigi snorts, shoving Jan with her shoulder. “That’s what you get for watching those heterosexual pieces of trash all the time. Unrealistic expectations.”

And Jan lets her say it, doesn’t throw back a jab about how if anything is disgustingly cheesy it’s Gigi and Crystal’s pet names they have for one another, because she knows this is Gigi trying to help her through her feelings.

“Let’s finish our food before they think we dined and dashed,” Jan says simply, and considers that growth.

**

_You can hear it in the silence,_

_You can feel it on the way home_

Over the next few months, Jan tries to say _I love you_ many times. It never comes out smoothly. 

The feeling isn’t so daunting now that she’s been living with it for a while. It’s a companion, a constant rattling in her ribcage that gets stronger and louder every time Jackie leaves a sticky note with a smiley face on the lunch she takes to the bakery.

She practices saying _I love you_ to the mirror in her room, fascinated with the way the words sound and the way her mouth moves to shape them. Some days she gets scared that she’ll never be able to voice it, that it’ll be trapped inside her throat with nowhere to go and no place to call home forever. On those days she sits for hours on the balcony while Jackie sleeps, just watching the city go by. 

_These things take time,_ Gigi had said, _so give them time_.

 _Be patient with yourself,_ her mom tells her, when Jan calls her up. _You’ll get there_.

Jan repeats those words of advice so often they seem to become part of her, swirling in her bones and in her blood. She imagines they float around her like an aura as she moves through the days, folding into her cake batter along with the butter and sugar. Trusting that when it’s right, she’ll know.

**

_And you understand now,_

_Why they lost their minds and fought those wars_

Today, Jackie’s come in to help Jan out in the bakery. It’s holiday season now, which means more customers and more work. Jackie’s already found an easy rhythm working the cash register, greeting guests with a warm smile and comforting air. Jan feels like everything in her life is coming together in the best way, wrapped up in a pretty bow.

She pulls a fresh ray of lemon cookies from the oven, setting it on the rack to cool. Jackie immediately leans over, trying to swipe a cookie under the guise of kissing the powdered sugar off of Jan’s lips.

“I _saw_ that, Jacqueline,” Jan scolds, tapping Jackie’s wrist in an attempt to get her to drop it. Jackie takes a big bite anyways, trying to chew through the pain when it scalds her mouth. Jan laughs in response. “That’s what you get for stealing.”

“You’re a cruel woman, Jan,” Jackie teases. She offers the other half of the cookie to Jan, who takes it from her.

“For someone that used to track all our expenses, you’ve become quite lenient with eating the profits away lately,” Jan bumps Jackie’s hip with her own, turning to hide a smile as she pops the remainder of the cookie into her mouth.

“What can I say, you’re rubbing off on me,” Jackie replies.

“Hmm.” Jan hums. She catches Jackie trying to swipe another cookie out of the corner of her eye and pulls the rack away from her girlfriend before it happens. “Ah-uh. I don’t think so.”

Jackie pouts, wiggling her fingers at the rack. “Jan, it’s just one, please?”

“Sorry, can’t let you eat them all.” Jan doesn’t even spare a second glance at Jackie, turning back to whipping up another bowl of batter. “Go back to the register. We can have the leftovers after closing.”

“I can’t believe I’m being bullied,” Jackie whines. She does as she’s told though, trudging back to her spot at the counter.

Jan bustles over to the coffee machines, pressing a few buttons. “Shut up, you know I love you.”

It rolls off her tongue light and airy, just like her cookies, but the aftertaste catches in her throat regardless. Jan stills, pausing with her hands over the coffee machine. Nothing in the atmosphere has changed, the air still warm and easy, the lingering taste of lemon still full bloom on her taste buds. She sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, scared to look at Jackie.

“Do you-” Jackie comes over again, hovering around Jan, unsure of where to put her hands. “-Do you want to say that again or did I hear you wrong?”

 _Do you think it’ll get easier?_ That was the question she asked Gigi half a year ago, when she had been scared of this foreign thing that had started living inside of her.

“Huh? Jan-” Jackie asks. Oh, she said that part out loud. 

“-I can- um. Should I go back to the counter?”

Over the speakers, the song changes into something with a bit more kick.

“I didn’t mean that,” Jan says. Wrong answer. Jackie’s face falls, and the thing inside Jan twists around her lungs, making it hard to breathe.

“No- wait, no, Jackie.” She speeds up, words falling into each other. Her hand slips from the mug and it crashes onto the floor, spraying coffee onto her jeans. “Hold on, that’s stupid, I’m not- fuck, I’m not scared.”

“Okay,” Jackie says, quiet, like she understands what Jan is trying to say. Maybe she does. She has a way of getting Jan like that.

“I’m, I-” Jan’s hands shake and she sticks them into the pockets of her apron to hide it.

“You don’t have to,” Jackie says, when Jan starts talking and stops again, like a fish, or somebody drowning underwater.

Jan shakes her head, so hard her earrings jingle. She taps the toe of her combat boots on the ground, counts to five, and then to ten. Then to twenty, because she’s chicken.

“I love you,” She blurts.

“Okay,” Jackie repeats, then louder, again, like she senses Jan needs to hear it back. “Okay. I love you too.”

And then it’s done, and it makes sense, all of a sudden. Jan throws her head back, laughs with her whole body, and Jackie looks at her, half in surprise and half in curiosity.

“I’m an idiot,” Jan says, by way of explanation. “ _God_ , Jackie, do you know how long I’ve waited to say that?”

Jackie stares at her. She blinks rapidly, dabbing at her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Are you crying?” Jan asks, her voice pitching higher at the sheer absurdity of it all.

Jackie sniffs and swats at Jan when she swoops in to hug her. 

“Stop, go _away_ , let me be an emotional wreck in peace.” The effect is decidedly ruined by the way she dissolves into laughter at the end of her protest, but Jan appreciates the effort.

So they just stand there, and Jan’s smiling with her forehead pressed against Jackie’s, all watery and loving. Jackie pulls her in closer for a kiss, Jan practically melting into her. It’s salty from both of their tears because they’re both crybabies, and Jan wouldn’t have it any other way.

Tonight, when they get home, Jan will make lasagna with her nonna’s recipe. Jackie’s already prepped shir berenj for desert, and they’ll have it with the bottle of red wine that’s been sitting on the top shelf, waiting for a special occasion just like this. They’ll sit on the balcony until late in the night, safe in each other’s company.

Things won’t be perfect, or easy. Not now, maybe not ever. But Jan’s okay with that. She’s okay with figuring things out as they go. Especially since it now comes with the promise of Jackie at her side, steady and comforting and loving Jan for every part of who she is. 

Because she’s in love. And wow, how badly she wants to scream it into the city, so that everyone knows about this magical thing that has come into her life, with such reckless abandon. It’s feral and wild, and it cuts up the soft parts of her sometimes, but that’s okay because Jackie’s here to help her heal. 

Like: it’s far less terrifying when she knows Jackie loves her back. Like: they live here, in this time and this place, with each other, and that is enough for her.

Like: she’s _in love. True love._


End file.
